Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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