Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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