Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
