I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
