somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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