apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Randomize
