and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
