his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
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