I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
