I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
