Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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