My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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