I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
