What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Found your dick twin last night
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
