Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
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But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
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I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.