I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
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You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
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Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.