if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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