Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
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i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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