When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
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This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
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I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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