my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
