two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
