After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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