i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
