Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
a search helicopter?!
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
