If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Randomize
