But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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