alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
