how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
