Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
