I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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