I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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