ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
