if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
