Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
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Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
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This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It's shark week go big or go home
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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