I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
