hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
