i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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