i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
