this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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