I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
