You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
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this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
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When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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