did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
