You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
