It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
