I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Is Oprah even human
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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