The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
