I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
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