Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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