idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
