How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
