I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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