mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
