someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize