and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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