hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
