i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
