Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
