my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
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i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
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Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
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