i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
